The Wombury Updates Stuff.

Hello Deer Breeders,

The Wombury here with a few updates. Writing from my parent's "home office" in Sioux City, Iowa, on this blustery, bone-chilling, ball-shrinking day.

As some of you may know, today is the Wombury's 30th birthday. Oh joy. Let the crippling anxiety begin! The Wombury will pass up the opportunity to reflect on the first 30 years of his life, as such ruminations tend to produce massive bouts of self-pity, drinking, and illegal nudity.

One of the rituals associated with the Wombury's birthday is butting heads with Ma Wombury's choice of gifts. In years past the Wombury has chafed at the knowledge that Ma Wombury will most likely be giving him a sweater from JC Penney's clearance rack. This year, however, she gave him a five-piece luggage set, which was very much needed, and a book. A special kind of book we call Self-Help. The book is called, (drum roll), Worry.

Thanks. The book is about worrying. I just took the "How much of Worrier are You!" 50 question quiz found on page 78. Here's an example of a question. A "Yes" is three points, a "No" is 0 points.


44. Do you lose perspective easily, worrying over some relatively minor matter as if it were a major concern?

32. Are you insecure?

97. Are you worried that being unemployed, aimless, spiritually and financially broke is a problem? No? That's interesting. Have you considered the stress this places on your parents? Your friends, or any one who cares about you? Probably not considering you're a self-centered prick. Oh, you do care? Oh, you're upset about the way things have gone in your life thus far? Wow. That is special. Welcome to adulthood.

Here is the scoring scale.

0-25 Low. You are not an excessive worrier.


26-75 Potential Danger Zone. You may have some tendencies toward worry that this book can help you with.

76-150 Danger Zone. If you worry this much, consider consulting a professional. This much worry is not good for you physically, emotionally, or spiritually, and it can impair your life at home, at work, and especially when you're by yourself. The only person who has willing entered the Danger Zone is Kenny Loggins, back in 1986. (maybe that last part was added)

The Wombury's score? 135. Egads, people! It's me and Kenny Loggins!

So, I need professional help? Who doesn't? But no help will be forthcoming until the Wombury gets back to New York City in three days. First it's off to Iowa City, IA. Then it's Springfield, IL, then it's Chicago. Then it's New York.

Until then,

The Wombury